Wednesday, 1 April 2009

A family perspective

I sat down to right a blog as figured I haven't done one in ages on either my blog or this one. It is time to update. Well not really update. I decided to speak to my mum briefly about her perspective of living with me as a brittle asthmatic. She decided to write a small piece. I have decided to use parts of it as I never realised quite the impact it has on her as a parent.
Asthma is something that has always been in the family so it is nothing new me being diagnosed. There is a strong family history of asthma and eczema. It is something that you either have on or the other or both. There is no one without one or the other.
As a young child the asthma was well controlled and it tended to be my brothers who ended up in hospital with broken bones or concussion etc. As i got older the roles changed it ended up me being in and out of hospital more and them less as my asthma attacks got worse.
Mum wrote "as a parent watching your child struggle to breathe is the most terrifying experience. You cannot compare it to anything else as you are helpless. There is no way you can help them breathe. The most distressing part is that as a parent the natural instinct is to cuddle and hold your child but often this makes their experience worse"
I never realised or really considered what an asthma attack must be like from my parents perspective. Mum explained how frightening it was and how she wishes it was her when I struggle. It is something I would never wish on anyone. I have always wanted to live my life how I wanted to and never took into consideration the fear that they suffer.
the last 7 years have been very difficult but last year i temporarily left university to try and get better. My mum wanted me to stay back at home and transfer university but me being stubborn I was having none of it. i went back down south as soon as my consultant said it was ok. I never thought about how my mum must have felt. I got irritated by the daily phone calls from her. She explained to me that she "called everyday as she was worried if she did not hear that i was ok she would not be able to settle. You can text when your in hospital so how do I know your ok?". previously i had been in hospital and not told my mum but had text her and said i was ok. However it came out in the end that I was in hospital.
it was a hard conversation speaking to mum about it all. I guess I was quite selfish as I was wrapped up in how I felt about my asthma and did not consider that others had to deal with it. the were having to live through it as I did too.
Mum explained that life would be adapted when i got home to make sure the environment would not trigger any attacks and so that we did activities that I could manage. i had never considered this and feel quite upset at the lengths they go to to help me and protect me. i had no knowledge of this.
I always tried to live a normal life and thought I was however I have now seen that life is not quite so normal. People adapt around me despite me doing what i what.
During the conversation with Mum she asked me if I ever wished i didn't have asthma. Of course I do wish I didn't have it but at the same time I don't. Mum couldn't understand why i would wish to sometimes still have asthma. I tried to explain that I have done things that i would never have done and met some great people. She couldn't quite understand.
Does anyone else wish they did and didn't have asthma??

1 comment:

rattles said...

i wish i didnt have asthma most of the time but there are occassions where i wouldn't have met people if i didnt have it so i know what you mean. I have also never spoken to my mum about the impact it must have on her and like you occassionally didnt tell her i was in hospital! It made me think! Take care hon hope your still well. Lotsa lv Xx