Tuesday, 14 April 2009

A Mums view, part b

So I have finally allowed Jack to stay at his Grandparents again (he has been too ill to stay anywhere other than hospital and home for months) for a couple of days and even though they are the next best thing to us (his mum and dad) the fear in incredible. Off he went bags packed, one for clothes one for meds and a very excited Jack goes along with an Easter egg to keep him company, oh and younger brother and sister!!! All going well and they are being thoroughly spoilt, ( hmm don't remember my mum allowing me to do what I please or eat whatever I want) and am feeling quite redundant and wondering what on earth I did before the children came along!!
The next morning I trot off to work (yay) and try not to phone at the ungodly hour to check all ok, so when 10am comes around the fingers have dialled the number before I can even think about it. How on earth do I mange to be such an anxious mother, I was never like this before and I am starting to think that maybe my poor 11 year old son, who is trying so desperately to grow up is rolling his eyes at his neurotic mother, is getting a tad fed up at the constant questions fired at him when I'm not in his company. In fact they are listed in the same order each time:
A. whats your peak flow?
B. have you had all your meds?
C. how you feeling?
D. what colour are your lips?
E. count to ten fast? (done to see how many he can count to without getting breathless, some method to my madness)
So I have a little chat to my two other children, and hear all that they are getting up too and then my mum comes on the phone, "erm" the conversation begins, and my heart sinks "Jack is looking a little grey, Kate and he is saying he doesn't feel too well". What have I done, I'm not there to see how bad he is, how bad a mother am I, just a few of the questions I ask myself in the 3 seconds gap before I have to respond to my mum, so I fire some instructions to her and after realising he isn't great I tell them to get him to the local hospital where he can have a neb and an iv to pick him up.
He was kept in over night and sent home the next morning and is a bit brighter now but the poor thing cant get over the exhaustion and we have had to get the home neb back out for him. Will this never end? I seem to be watching my boy slowly become a shadow of his bubbly former self. The guilt of having healthy lungs and a fully functioning body, along with the helplessness of not being able to do anything other than be an outsider looking in through the cloudy window is making me a neurotic and stressed out person. I am beginning to become a split personality, one side the same mum who teases her kids and never gets upset about what goes on, the one who tells Jack that we can handle anything that is thrown at us because we are a team. Then the one who sits on her own when everyone else isn't around who weeps for her baby and is terrified about the future and what it holds for him!
Oh to have a magic wand and be able to wave all this away, even if it is just long enough for him to regain some strength and his positive attitude.
We have another week to enjoy before hopefully back to school, so I'll keep my chin up and my mouth closed and try to have a more cheerful blog next time. Hope you are all not suffering with the pollen count and all had a lovely Easter.

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